Yesterday, as I was floating through time perspectives, I felt a sense of peace. Sometimes, I come across these experiences in which I feel as though the present, past, and future all bleed into each other like staring into an impressionist painting. Normally, it feels like I'm looking at a few vivid pixels distinct from all those around. The past and future feel disconnected from the present, even if I'm thinking about the past and future. Yesterday, though, I felt as if I could zoom in and out and watch it all blend together. There was no judgment and a deep sense of humility. Just simply watching.
My personal "project" of taking feelings more seriously has been very challenging, and it has infused me with a freshness of being. It's a bit like a parent reliving childhood experiences through their children. The curiosity, the newness, the excitement, the danger all arrive on their own, uninhibitedly.
Then, there is the frustration of wanting to notice a feeling and not being able to. A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago about a "freeform yoga" practice she was doing in which the poses were allowed to manifest based on the feelings in the body instead of based on the imposition of the teachers' instructions. Simply, she would ask her body, "where do you want to go?" and then she'd help her body get there. She said this kind of practice extended into daily living. You have a few choices on the menu, for instance, and you pause, allow the feeling to arise, and then go with that. This exercise is very very very difficult for me. I will ask myself, pause, wait with anticipation, feel nothing, get frustrated that I'm feeling nothing (other than frustration) and consider myself terrible (judgement) for not being able to do something so seemingly easy. Then, I'll try again and experience the same loop.
I'm not sure if there's any "good way" to get in touch with those feelings. And even if I find a "way" that works once, it doesn't mean it will again, and then I run the risk of getting wrapped up in my "way" (an opinion) instead of just feeling. Good ol' anthropomorphic Life always reminds me that I'm the student and it the teacher. It's so easy for the mind to fasten itself to something that appears sturdy, like a conclusion. This table in this room, yes, that's the safe place to seat myself at. Then comes the homewrecker and swoop! the whole house is demolished. Yes, I know, or at least the mind knows that this tendency to push back against the feeling of insecurity by planting myself somewhere is nonsensical, and yet I still do it! Eek!
My personal "project" of taking feelings more seriously has been very challenging, and it has infused me with a freshness of being. It's a bit like a parent reliving childhood experiences through their children. The curiosity, the newness, the excitement, the danger all arrive on their own, uninhibitedly.
Then, there is the frustration of wanting to notice a feeling and not being able to. A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago about a "freeform yoga" practice she was doing in which the poses were allowed to manifest based on the feelings in the body instead of based on the imposition of the teachers' instructions. Simply, she would ask her body, "where do you want to go?" and then she'd help her body get there. She said this kind of practice extended into daily living. You have a few choices on the menu, for instance, and you pause, allow the feeling to arise, and then go with that. This exercise is very very very difficult for me. I will ask myself, pause, wait with anticipation, feel nothing, get frustrated that I'm feeling nothing (other than frustration) and consider myself terrible (judgement) for not being able to do something so seemingly easy. Then, I'll try again and experience the same loop.
I'm not sure if there's any "good way" to get in touch with those feelings. And even if I find a "way" that works once, it doesn't mean it will again, and then I run the risk of getting wrapped up in my "way" (an opinion) instead of just feeling. Good ol' anthropomorphic Life always reminds me that I'm the student and it the teacher. It's so easy for the mind to fasten itself to something that appears sturdy, like a conclusion. This table in this room, yes, that's the safe place to seat myself at. Then comes the homewrecker and swoop! the whole house is demolished. Yes, I know, or at least the mind knows that this tendency to push back against the feeling of insecurity by planting myself somewhere is nonsensical, and yet I still do it! Eek!
