The never-ending mind

You see, our minds are so carefully cultivated that we fill the heart with the things of the mind. We give most of our time and energy to the earning of a livelihood, to the gathering of knowledge, to the fire of belief, to patriotism and the worship of the State, to the activities of social reform, to the pursuit of ideals and virtues, and to the many other things with which the mind keeps itself occupied; so the heart is made empty, and the mind becomes rich in its cunningness. This does make for insensitivity, doesn't it? -- J.K.

I see that I spend much of my life in the workings of the mind. From the time that I wake up to the time my head hits the pillow, I'm wondering about things. Since I was young, it has been obvious to others that I have always been asking "why?" My "whys" have filled me with so much of other people's knowledge that I get stuck in it. I guess that is all pretty obvious just from the purpose of this blog.

Even though I've learned that there are certain whys that can only be answered with speculation, this understanding is not complete. I no longer ask "why am I here?" or "why is there 'meaningfulness'?" because all answers, however alluring, are just more tapestries of thought. Sadly, I'm still asking myself how to empty my heart of these things of the mind. It may not be so explicit or direct, but I can see it in the movement of my mind that I'm struggling to find a way to quiet the mind and allow the heart to be.

Why do I want to empty my heart? I'm at a point in my life where I've worked and worked at different jobs in different fields and all my action in these jobs, and towards these jobs, have been motivated by some strategizing of the mind to avoid semi-fictional consequences (being homeless and cold, not having food, being unhealthy). In other words, my work life has been dominated by fear. All this effort to avoid a bad outcome has led me exactly to that--bad outcomes! It's all rather ridiculous. My jobs have not been aligned with my interests, values, and talents, but they have provided me just enough income to survive. Literally burnt out from the accumulated stress of my most recent job, and from a history of unsuitable jobs, I am desperate to find a new way of earning a living, which may just mean a totally new way of life.

To find my way, I need to let go of all that fear, of all the scheming. I need to create just enough space to allow for inspiration, for insight. The problem is that I must not be motivated to achieve that insight. If my mind is struggling to get to "Destination Insight," then it will start building up what the destination is and what it looks like, and calculating the route to get there. I've already seen where following the mind's deceptive paths leads me, so I "try" to avoid that route and take another that my mind has secretly offered as a "non-mind" alternative. Of course, it too is of the mind.

It may be the case that I've been made dull by the years of self-abuse. A sushi knife wielded recklessly in a butcher shop will no longer find its way back to the sushi kitchen. That may be my fate. Or I may just end up in another job. For now, though, I haven't a choice. I must write my blog and clean out as much of my mind's cholesterol as I'm capable of to allow the blood to flow freely to my heart.