...it takes so much hard work to concentrate attention on feelings. It is not hard because the feeling is not there, or because the feeling is unreliable. It is hard, because it takes an enormous and unusual amount of attention, to pay attention for long enough to find out which does actually feel better...Once a person is willing to take his feelings as seriously as this, and pay attention to them--and exclude opinions and ideas--then his perception of a pattern can approach the quality without a name. --CA
I recently discussed this topic with a counselor friend of mine. He explained that in our socialization/education, there is some focus on the body (fitness and nutrition) and then lots of focus on opinions. From childhood through adulthood, there is a displacing focus on thoughts and opinion. "Explain why you have a perspective using evidence" is the format of nearly all essays to develop one's critical thinking skills. This heavy-handedness comes at the expense of attention given to feelings. In light of the fact that we make most of our meaningful decisions in life based on feelings (what to study, whom to marry, having kids or not, recreation, time spent with friends and family), it is surprising that we trivialize the world of feelings.
As a sensitive child, and as a male, I learned from society that attending and giving importance to feelings was counter-productive. As a college student, I learned that appealing to emotional reactions in essays signified a deficiency in critical thinking. My whole life with society has reinforced this marginalizing of feelings. Deeply, we all know that feelings are the basis of living, of being alive, but our collective and individual understanding of this is ridiculously undeveloped. If feelings weren't the basis of our living, then we would perhaps in equal measure be killing ourselves off as much as trying to survive. Arguments for and against living are all quite persuasive outside the realm of feelings. While volumes could be written about how and why this repression came about, that is not really my concern now.
I want to better understand what it is I feel. It seems like it's a simple remedy: just ask oneself. The problem is that when I ask myself what I feel, I often get bombarded by thoughts related to the imagined or observed situation. If I ask how my body feels, I can localize a sensation. With feelings, though, their home is not discrete. They don't lend themselves easily to verbal description, which shouldn't be mistaken for not being relevant or non-existent. One must have a stable and calm space mentally to be able to access their feelings. It is only when feelings scream so loudly that they refuse to be ignored that I usually take note. If my skin crawls at a restaurant, I'll notice that and avoid it. But, what about the less obvious feelings? Peeling back those layers is not easy work. There are so many subtle feelings I experience throughout a day that I don't even notice.
I'm just beginning to see how much of a tragedy this really is. The feelings, like the blood in our bodies, are not given their proper credit and respect for the fact that they bring us to life. Why would I not give them attention? To repress them is to deaden myself, in effect, making me less alive. Wonder, sorrow, joy, gratitude, love. These are the true elements of life and living. They are not as consistent as thoughts and opinions perhaps, but life is dynamic and it is unreasonable to expect feelings to be so static. By contrast, the consistency of thoughts could be seen as obstinacy. Just because I liked eating at a deli yesterday doesn't mean that's what I want to eat tomorrow. And just because I like your ideas in a book doesn't mean that I like being around you. Being caged by our thoughts when our feelings just want to roam the hills is an unhealthy way to live. The action is outside, where life is, not in a dusty old cage.
My friend and I talked about people who usually have the "social license" to explore feelings--as artists, of course! All kinds of expressive forms come from artists, and with an immature sense of feeling-development, there is a credo that artists should express anything and everything, like wild kids, or "ids," and that any kind of self-regulation is imposition. This reflects our social immaturity about feelings, and the consequence is that artists are often relegated to the role of "entertainers." They have a subservient role to the decision-makers, the thinkers. As in Freud's model, society demands superegos (and boy, do we have a lot of super-egos!) to tell the ids what to feel and how to behave. In this hierarchy, we have clear lines of authority, with artists needing to be sequestered in their safe padded rooms. The relationship we have with feelings has created this perverse dynamic in which artists are almost forced to behave as primitive ids because the worlds of the head and heart do not meet. They do not communicate and enrich each other. That's why we have all kinds of terrible policies from small private organizations up to large governments. For example, we feel good when we have openness and transparency of intentions and actions, yet that's not how policy is made. The reaction to WikiLeaks exemplifies this contradiction. Companies almost never expose their true costs. The writers of the US constitution had a feeling that all people should be treated equally, but their minds put non-whites into a category of property. Surely some white slave owners felt the humanity of their slaves, but it was their opinions that held them back. Today, it's immigrants. Civil rights only belong to people born on one side of the line, the others can die and we don't care. Bi-national couples are a prime example of the reality that people of different countries can love each other. Oh, love, that's just a feeling! Not to be heeded.
In realizing all of this, it becomes clear that work needs to be done. Work to reconnect with our deeper feelings--and not just the deep ones--to find out what's behind the curtain of our thoughts. It's not easy to do, but it must be done. Feelings, again, are the substance of living. To pretend otherwise not only makes for perverted outcomes, but makes for sorrow and conflict. We all want joy, love, gratitude, and respect. We can only allow those feelings to arise if we learn to understand them and their nature.
I recently discussed this topic with a counselor friend of mine. He explained that in our socialization/education, there is some focus on the body (fitness and nutrition) and then lots of focus on opinions. From childhood through adulthood, there is a displacing focus on thoughts and opinion. "Explain why you have a perspective using evidence" is the format of nearly all essays to develop one's critical thinking skills. This heavy-handedness comes at the expense of attention given to feelings. In light of the fact that we make most of our meaningful decisions in life based on feelings (what to study, whom to marry, having kids or not, recreation, time spent with friends and family), it is surprising that we trivialize the world of feelings.
As a sensitive child, and as a male, I learned from society that attending and giving importance to feelings was counter-productive. As a college student, I learned that appealing to emotional reactions in essays signified a deficiency in critical thinking. My whole life with society has reinforced this marginalizing of feelings. Deeply, we all know that feelings are the basis of living, of being alive, but our collective and individual understanding of this is ridiculously undeveloped. If feelings weren't the basis of our living, then we would perhaps in equal measure be killing ourselves off as much as trying to survive. Arguments for and against living are all quite persuasive outside the realm of feelings. While volumes could be written about how and why this repression came about, that is not really my concern now.
I want to better understand what it is I feel. It seems like it's a simple remedy: just ask oneself. The problem is that when I ask myself what I feel, I often get bombarded by thoughts related to the imagined or observed situation. If I ask how my body feels, I can localize a sensation. With feelings, though, their home is not discrete. They don't lend themselves easily to verbal description, which shouldn't be mistaken for not being relevant or non-existent. One must have a stable and calm space mentally to be able to access their feelings. It is only when feelings scream so loudly that they refuse to be ignored that I usually take note. If my skin crawls at a restaurant, I'll notice that and avoid it. But, what about the less obvious feelings? Peeling back those layers is not easy work. There are so many subtle feelings I experience throughout a day that I don't even notice.
I'm just beginning to see how much of a tragedy this really is. The feelings, like the blood in our bodies, are not given their proper credit and respect for the fact that they bring us to life. Why would I not give them attention? To repress them is to deaden myself, in effect, making me less alive. Wonder, sorrow, joy, gratitude, love. These are the true elements of life and living. They are not as consistent as thoughts and opinions perhaps, but life is dynamic and it is unreasonable to expect feelings to be so static. By contrast, the consistency of thoughts could be seen as obstinacy. Just because I liked eating at a deli yesterday doesn't mean that's what I want to eat tomorrow. And just because I like your ideas in a book doesn't mean that I like being around you. Being caged by our thoughts when our feelings just want to roam the hills is an unhealthy way to live. The action is outside, where life is, not in a dusty old cage.
My friend and I talked about people who usually have the "social license" to explore feelings--as artists, of course! All kinds of expressive forms come from artists, and with an immature sense of feeling-development, there is a credo that artists should express anything and everything, like wild kids, or "ids," and that any kind of self-regulation is imposition. This reflects our social immaturity about feelings, and the consequence is that artists are often relegated to the role of "entertainers." They have a subservient role to the decision-makers, the thinkers. As in Freud's model, society demands superegos (and boy, do we have a lot of super-egos!) to tell the ids what to feel and how to behave. In this hierarchy, we have clear lines of authority, with artists needing to be sequestered in their safe padded rooms. The relationship we have with feelings has created this perverse dynamic in which artists are almost forced to behave as primitive ids because the worlds of the head and heart do not meet. They do not communicate and enrich each other. That's why we have all kinds of terrible policies from small private organizations up to large governments. For example, we feel good when we have openness and transparency of intentions and actions, yet that's not how policy is made. The reaction to WikiLeaks exemplifies this contradiction. Companies almost never expose their true costs. The writers of the US constitution had a feeling that all people should be treated equally, but their minds put non-whites into a category of property. Surely some white slave owners felt the humanity of their slaves, but it was their opinions that held them back. Today, it's immigrants. Civil rights only belong to people born on one side of the line, the others can die and we don't care. Bi-national couples are a prime example of the reality that people of different countries can love each other. Oh, love, that's just a feeling! Not to be heeded.
In realizing all of this, it becomes clear that work needs to be done. Work to reconnect with our deeper feelings--and not just the deep ones--to find out what's behind the curtain of our thoughts. It's not easy to do, but it must be done. Feelings, again, are the substance of living. To pretend otherwise not only makes for perverted outcomes, but makes for sorrow and conflict. We all want joy, love, gratitude, and respect. We can only allow those feelings to arise if we learn to understand them and their nature.
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